Old Joke Bin

Where Old Jokes Come to Rest

How to Get Your Own Back!

A spritely 78 year old lady was being pressed by her daughter to "Do something useful with your time mother" - her favourite topic of conversation.

I asked why sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, but she was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and join something.

I did this and when I got home I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I had even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!

Wedding Problems?

At a wedding ceremony, the vicar asked if anyone had any reason why the bride and groom should not be joined in holy matrimony - It was their time to speak or forever hold their peace.

The moment of silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying an infant who started walking slowly forwards from the last row.

Everything quickly turned to chaos!

The bride slapped the groom ....

The groom's mother fainted ....

The grooms friends started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation ....

Amidst the turmoil, the vicar asked the woman: "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied: "We can't hear at the back."

Helpful Advice?

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts to the driver, "Oi, yer losing yer load". Driver shouts back, "Very funny now get lost"

A few miles further, Paddy pulls alongside and again shouts, "Oi, I’m telling yer - yer losing yer load". Driver replies, "Look, will you just go away"

"I'm not joking, yer losing yer load" Paddy shouts, “Listen mate” the driver shouts, "Will you go away - I'm gritting"

Sex Insurance

You can now get sex insurance in the UK, but make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes .......

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with a pensioner - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

and finally.....................

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com!

Make sure you are adequately covered!

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom Nairobi:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In a Moscow Hotel, near a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.