Where Old Jokes Come to Rest

How to Get Your Own Back!


A spritely 78 year old lady was being pressed by her daughter to "Do something useful with your time mother" - her favourite topic of conversation.


I asked why sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, but she was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and join something.


I did this and when I got home I decided to play a prank on her.  I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.


She replied,  "Mother, are you nuts?  You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"


I told her that I had even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.


She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"


The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.


Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.


Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer"


Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!



Wedding Problems?



At a wedding ceremony, the vicar asked if anyone had any reason why the bride and groom should not be joined in holy matrimony - It was their time to speak or forever hold their peace.

 

The moment of silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying an infant who started walking slowly forwards from the last row.

 

Everything quickly turned to chaos!

 

The bride slapped the groom ....

The groom's mother fainted ....

The grooms friends started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation ....

 

Amidst the turmoil, the vicar asked the woman: "Can you tell us why you came forward?  What do you have to say?"

 

The woman replied: "We can't hear at the back."

Helpful Advice?


Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts to the driver, "Oi, yer losing yer load". Driver shouts back, "Very funny now get lost"


A few miles further, Paddy pulls alongside and again shouts, "Oi, I’m telling yer - yer losing yer load". Driver replies, "Look, will you just go away"


"I'm not joking, yer losing yer load" Paddy shouts, “Listen mate” the driver shouts, "Will you go away - I'm gritting"


Sex Insurance

 

You can now get sex insurance in the UK, but make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.


Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes .......


Sex with your wife  - Legal & General

  

Sex on the telephone   - Direct Line


Sex with your partner   - Standard Life


Sex with someone different   - Go Compare


Sex with a lady of generous proportions   - More Than

 

Sex with a prostitute   - Commercial Union


Sex with your maid   - Employer's Liability


Sex with a pensioner   - Saga


Sex resulting in pregnancy   - General Accident


and finally.....................

 

Sex with a transvestite   - Confused.com!


Make sure you are adequately covered!

 

 



Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom Nairobi:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In a Moscow Hotel, near a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD  TIME.

Priceless!


 


GYPSIES AT THE PEARLY GATES


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their vans and caravans.

 

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God - “I've got 40 gyppos here. Can I let them in?”


God says, “We're over quota on gyppos, go out and tell  them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just the dozen in.”

 

Two minutes later St Peter is on the phone to God again - “They've gone”, he tells God.


“What? All 40 of them?”

 

“No, the pearly gates!”


Is proof reading a dying art??


"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"

Clever chap!

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"

Really?

 "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"

Now that's taking things a bit far

 "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"

What a guy!

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"

No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!!

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

See if that works any better than a fair trial

 "War Dims Hope for Peace"

Can see where it might have that effect

  "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

Who would have thought!

"Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

They may be on to something

  "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

 "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

Weren't they fat enough?

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

That's what he gets for eating those beans.

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"

Do they taste like chicken?

 "Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

Chainsaw Massacre all over again

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

Boy, are they tall!

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

Is that a fact?


Those wonderful Church Bulletins!


These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.


A young female student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse", he mumbles behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed she replies "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask her again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate she raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks at them closely and says


 "There is nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."


The man struggled up and gently pulls off his mask-


"Thank you so much. That was wonderful.


Now listen very closely:-


"ARE - MY - TEST - RESULTS - BACK?