Financial Planning explained by the Irish
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then’, but the farmer replied ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey’ and when the farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’, but Paddy replied ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898'
The farmer was amazed. ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ he asked. ‘Just the guy who won’ Paddy replied ‘So I gave him his €2 back.’
THEATRE SEAT FOR SENIORS !
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge and the usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?". "Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where are you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied -
Obama, Clinton and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place here I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in."
Obama thinks long and hard, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left.
God then turns to Hillary Clinton. "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American" She says.
God is greatly moved and offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
If My Body was a Car …………
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
How to Get Your Own Back!
A spritely 78 year old lady was being pressed by her daughter to "Do something useful with your time mother" -
I asked why sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, but she was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and join something.
I did this and when I got home I decided to play a prank on her. I e-
She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I had even got a Membership Card and e-
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!